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As the Daffodils Bloom

Two years ago around this time, as the daffodils were blooming there, I was entering a dark season of life. We were just starting to experience the effects of the coronavirus pandemic. We would begin the lockdowns which we had never experienced before. Socially and emotionally, it was a very hard time. At the same time, I was also entering a dark spiritual season. Not because we were unable to attend church, but because the church we were attending decided we were no longer welcome there. I had already been deconstructing some of my religious beliefs, but that experience intensified and accelerated it. It was a painful and isolating process which left me with not much left to stand on.

One year ago around this time, again as the daffodils were blooming, I finally gathered the courage to respond to the priests who had hurt us so much a year before. Over the preceding year, I had written letters to them and journaled about the experience. Thankfully, I did not mail those letters. They were too full of anger, hurt, and wild accusations which I'm sure we're not entirely based in reality. But over the course of that first year, the letters gradually became less and less angry and accusatory. So one year ago, I decided it was time to physically mail a letter. There's no need to go into the details of the letter here, but I point to that experience as the beginning of my healing process.

Now, here we are another year later, again as the daffodils are blooming, and I feel ready to begin the next season of my life. Spirituality looks differently for me in this season than it did before the daffodils bloomed two years ago. I have experienced an intense spiritual deconstruction which resulted in letting go of many of the core beliefs I had held onto for so long. That releasing process was not easy. Indeed, it was incredibly painful at times. But it removed all the accretions that had cluttered my faith. Now, I have nothing left but my experience of the Divine both in me and around me in other people and in creation.

In the coming years, I will look at the daffodils blooming with expectation of what it means in my life. What will the next season of my life be like? That is unknown right now, but it will be new. The daffodils' blooms will symbolize growth.

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